Thursday, September 27, 2012

Moms in Review

Read more trial news here.

The Elizabeth Johnson trial may end early Phoenix's ABC is reporting. 

Witnesses testified this week:
Her on-again, off-again boyfriend Logan McQueary testified about their break up the month Gabriel went missing, along with the subsequent text messages he received saying "I killed him" and "You made me do it". He noted that the custody battle got so bad that he started recording their conversations. NEVER use your kids as pawns, people. Grow up. Can't exes just agree to not agree and keep their children's best interests at heart? Geez. Also, one of her best friends came forward revealing an evil custody plot Elizabeth cooked up to kidnap Gabriel so that she alone could have full custody of her son.

So, what's the deal? Did she suffocate her eight month old and throw him in a dumpster? She's changed her story and now maintains she gave away her baby to a couple in a park.

Clearly the evidence is pretty incriminating when your own lawyer won't (or barely does) cross-examine prosecution's witnesses. Marc Victor, her attorney is running for senate. Let's hope he's not cross-examining the witnesses because he firmly believes she did it, not because any unpopular trial results could lose him the race to senate.

For the love of God, please give this biotch the death sentence or something. In heartbreaking cases like these, I'm all for capital punishment. I'm sick of these Casey Anthony-esque women getting away with murder... of children who never got a chance to live a long life. God, I am fairly certain you'd agree, that people must pay for disobeying the ten commandments. Oh, God's not revengeful- he wants you to forgive. Maybe so, but has everyone forgotten about Noah's Ark or the black plague?

Any who...

In other good mom news, J.K. Rowling's new book The Casual Vacancy hits stores today and is already sitting at #1 on Amazon. If you're expecting a Harry Potter-ish type book, you're in for a rude awakening. The book talks of poverty, sex, drugs and even uses certain taboo genitalia words. Joanne "J.K." Rowling reveals that this book is "intensely personal" to her so I am concluding that this book is loosely related to her life before the $900 million net worth.

Well, cheers to J.K. on becoming a billionaire with the release of this book. Clearly, $900 million was not enough. Now if only J.K. could reach out to me and invest in my business. That would be awesome. I don't need much. She's so rich her interest makes interest, even in this economy. If I was that rich I'd help everyone out. Now let's just hope and dream I become that rich so you all can hold me to it.

Don't kill your kids, moms. Write books about your despair instead. Everyone loves a rags to riches story. And, you might even end up with kids who actually enjoy reading. That's a huge plus. High Fives.

Enjoy your day.


Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Aporkalypses & Pen Fifteens

Bring Your own Bacon T Shirt, $19
Get it Here.

Oh, it's a sad day for bacon lovers all around the world. However, the pigs are quite happy eating their expensive corns & grain while their owners are just waiting around for them to get fat enough to kill. The circle of life is sad at times, yet so delicious.

Reports are circulating that there may be a bacon shortage in 2013 due to drought and failed crops of maize and such. Let me get all conspiracy theory on you for a second. Who here believes in supply and demand? It's something to think about at least...

Personally, I believe the pigs formed a UN Ambassador Group and reached out to the Chick Fil-A cows for help. Now they're both saying "Eat More Chikin". They're even telling you to buy bacon flavored lip gloss and bacon smelling soap instead. You likey the bacon products? Search my blog for them. They shall reveal themselves.

Read more about the aporkalypse of epic proportions here.

Twitter is also happy to report that stock rose since the aporkalypse news. (I'm just kidding. I have no idea.) People are in a frenzy and telling the world about it about as much as I'm telling the world the IRS sucks for holding my rightfully earned money hostage due to identity theft. Anyway, maybe today Twitter's servers will be a little less clogged.

In other porking news, Jill Biden about gave America a heart attack by listening to her introduce her man with a plan (and pen 15), Joe Biden. Who's up for pen 15 jokes? Apparently everyone. Click here to watch the video. She looks so cute in the video, too. She's a classically pretty lady. Most of America will agree when I say Joe Biden's a lucky man. Is it easy to conclude that she's a giver? Probably. Hillary? Not so much. At least there was Monica Lewinsky. Chris Rock's "Bigger & Blacker" can sum it all up for you on his belief of what first ladies should be doing in the White House... Click here to watch the deliciousness.

As always, have a great day.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Missin' You All

So sorry for the long vacation. My computer took a dump and I can't find the Windows Disk it keeps asking me for so I can start it up. Yup,  just one day out of the blue it decides to go crazy. It must take after its owner. Aaaargh. I love technology when it works. "When it works" only, though. Otherwise I'd go all "Office Space" on all my technological devices. Anyway, thanks for your patience while I'm hopping from computer to computer like a transient person.

As long as you love tech, you won't go homeless, you won't go broke.
As long as you love tech, don't drop kick your laptop computer as a joke.
As long as you la la la la la la la la la la  love technology...

Excuse me, has anyone seen my stapler?


Friday, September 7, 2012

The Hot Mess Report

Hey I just met you... and this is crazy. But here's my face mask, so try it maybe?!
Elemis Papaya Enzyme Peel, $42
Get it Here...
"Best Face Mask 2011"
Before you came into my life, I missed ya' so bad!
I woke up in the mood to do a face mask. I also woke up with "Call Me Maybe" stuck in my head but that's neither here nor there. All this summer sun exposure has my skin looking err, well, let's just say it: a hot mess. Anyway, I am happy to report the result of my face mask is: my skin feels invigorated, tightened, and generally looks brighter and my pores look great. Direct from Elemis, this is what they say about their award winning face mask:

"The natural exfoliating fruit enzyme action of Papaya and Pineapple smooth, brighten and clarify the complexion. This unique, non-granular exfoliating cream contains nourishing Milk Protein, Anti-Oxidant-rich Vitamin E and Marine algae to moisturise, repair and protect the skin. Perfect for complexions which are sensitive or mature."

Any who, I get tons of questions on my Retin-A use and I am also happy to report I will be taking pictures so you can see the progress of what Retin-A can do for you cosmetically. Also known for treating acne, retinols also aid in sun damage reversal. If you're a human reading this, every single one of us can agree that the sun causes hyperpigmentation. Feel free to search my blog for other Retin-A related posts. Even though it's Florida and it's almost always summer time here, I've got to draw the line somewhere and start faux- tanning again as I know exactly what damage I'm doing to my skin. I'm a firm believer in sunscreen. Cleanse, exfoliate, moisturize, sunscreen. I don't know about you, but I don't want to end up looking like "Tanning Mom." Click here for her latest antics. In her defense, if someone hosted me a "Hot Mess" party held by drag queens, I'd probably try to drown my sorrows in some Captain Morgan, too. I mean, she shouldn't of even shown up if she were embarrassed. Hey, at least it's an improvement that she didn't have her five year old with her this time. I also don't believe she was rocking the dark brown lip liner either. Stay tuned for "What Not to Wear on Your Face" Edition coming to this blog real soon. If you've got some makeup pet peeves to add to the list, I can't wait to hear from you. Comment! Tweet! Facebook, Google+, whatever!

Help Me Retinol Night Treatment
by Philosophy, $18 & $45
Get it Here...
I don't use Retin-A all the time. In my opinion, why waste the money in the summertime? Get your tan on for a few months and then spend your entire fall correcting it. Sounds about right, ehh?!

So, now my face will go from actually being tan to a bronzed bliss made up of smoke and mirrors. Us females, we are fabulous, transforming creatures.

But all we really want to tell the world is this:

Makeup makes me feel good. When I put it on, I feel a little more ready to take on the world. Now when I look in the mirror, I say thank you to my makeup for making me match on the outside, how I feel about myself on the inside.



Wednesday, September 5, 2012


You notice the MAC 187 Duo-Fibre Face Brush featured in seconds 3 to 5? Nicki knows what's up...

Today is Woman Power Day! I'm declaring it. Little did you know, I'm also coining the word "franch". It's ranch and french dressing mixed together. Indecisiveness rules. While I decide on things, bits, items, objects or stuff, let's read on. It's not "50 Shades of Grey" but it's also not "Porn:Thirty" yet. It is however "Beer: Thirty" somewhere. It's gotta' be five o' clock somewhere.

Let's lose some friends, dis influence people and talk politics again. Nicki Minaj recently rapped about being a Republican. "I'm a Republican voting for Mitt Romney / You lazy b---hes is f---g up the economy." Whether you agree or not, we can all agree that Nicki Minaj deserves a gold medal in saying how she feels. She doesn't skate around issues. Ever.  Read more here.

Dear Nicki,
Thank you for allowing me to feel that what I write in partial craziness is acceptable to put on my website. While my kids aren't exactly old enough to gaze upon my website, I often wonder how many women find me offensive. Oh, well. Beez in the Trap.

Look at her guns!
@AngiesRightLeg is jealous...
Last night felt like it was First Lady Obama's moment, for sure. She not only looked gorgeous at the Democratic National Convention, but gave a heartfelt speech as well. It's easy to say that with 99% certainty she hit every voting demographic out there. I almost cried during parts. Foreigners? Check. Moms? Check. Middle Class? Check. LGBT? Check. Soldiers? Check!

Watch Mom-In-Chief's speech here.

Twitter @ladyobamasarms

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Warhol Madness: Campbell's & NARS

Limited Edition Warhol Campbell's Soup
$.75 each / set of 4 in collection
Make Them Cheaper...Click Here for Coupons!
Run to Target ASAP to get the limited edition 4-can set celebrating Warhol's 50th Anniversary of "32 Campbell's Soup Cans".

Read more here.
Cans go on sale today!

I am definitely collecting these. It didn't say anywhere how many were being produced. A couple things could happen in the future with these cans, say 50 years from now: they could collect dust, you could be called a crazy can collecting lady, they could become cool antiques, they could be sold to the highest bidder erstwhile making you loaded, or the TV show Fear Factor will contact you and feed the 50 year old "goodness" to a willing contestant. Even if you don't collect the whole can, save the labels. Then bring them to a frame shop and you've got your own, little matted Warhol masterpiece.

A little side note: Make sure to check out the can for dents and the label with no rips or imperfections if you want to collect them. The pink cans at my Target must have been delivered a hot mess. It took me a little time to pick out the best ones.

Now for those of you who have an artist and/or makeup lover on your Holiday Gift List, add some NARS with the above soup cans and you've got yourself a completely coordinated, well thought out Christmas gift.

Below are the pics of the Holiday Warhol Collection by NARS going on sale October 1st & November 1st at Sephora. No hyperlinks below since you can't buy them yet. You can, however, Click Here and sign yourself up at NARS to be the first to know when it's available for purchase.

NARS Debbie Harry Warhol Palette, $65
2 Blushes, 4 Shadows

NARS Walk on the Wild Side Gift Set, $39
NARS "Flowers" & "Self-Portrait" Palettes, $55 each

NARS Warhol Kiss Larger Than Life Lip Set, $55
Comes in a Collectible Can! (Cute brush holder, maybe?)

Now stop what you're doing and go play with this genius app! Turn pictures into pop art. Click Here for App. Pictures must be uploaded into Facebook, FYI. Also, let's say that maybe you don't want to share or tweet the pic... that is a-okay. Just right click on pic and "save pic as". I figured I'd be nice to my Facebook friends, not sharing with them every pic I turned into Pop Art. There were too many to count! I am now sending them online to Walgreens to get printed as I am proudly going to display them as family portraits in my house. What can I say?! I am a slave to color. Plus, it's a cool idea for wall art to boot.
 Your Pop Art Princess,
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