Monday, April 29, 2013

Awesome Insurance Commercials

These commercials are adorable.
Will you marry me, commercials?

The insurance agent side of me loves that the above commercial combines insurance and makeup all into one commercial that's like... totally made exclusively for like... women! Makeup lovers unite! However, there's a small piece of me that wants to scream to Geico's underwriters to never allow this little lizard to get some health insurance without having some pre-existing conditions excluded. I mean, you saw how much powder this remarkable reptile just inhaled, right?! Surely that could build up over time & cause cancer or something. Furthermore, they may want to fire that particular makeup artist for doing that to their dear client. If I ever did that to one of my clients, dear Lord forgive me & then pry my makeup brushes out of my dead, lifeless fingers.

Oh, the "Internets" & how they've affected how people in this generation meet as well as date each other. Let's all pause for a second & thank the dear Lord again that the media is finally done making mountains out of mole hills with Te'o's "girlfriend". It used to be that when the word "catfish" came to mind, all I thought about was some big mouthed fish with whiskers that I never wanted to consume. I wonder if this term has made it into urban dictionary yet. One ponders. Yes, yes it has. I just looked it up.

Per, a "catfish" can be defined as this:

catfish is someone who pretends to be someone they're not using Facebook or other social media to create false identities, particularly to pursue deceptive online romances.
Did you hear how Dave got totally catfished last month?! The fox he thought he was talking to turned out to be a pervy guy from San Diego!

Any who, enjoy your day, lovelies! 
Hopefully by neither inhaling your makeup nor catfishing...

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Highlighting & Contouring Done Right

The dance moves in this video are Phat with a capital P. With all the black and whiteness in the above video, what immediately comes to my weirdo makeup artist mind is highlighting and contouring a.k.a. "hac-ing".

So many women are into this these days! Two out of the ten competitors in this year's Allure Beauty Blogger Awards even spoke about it in their first challenge. While mentioning the awards, you should go vote for your favorite blogger. Each week they're giving away swag to voters that even Justin Bieber himself would approve of. Place your votes here. Yup. Just go ahead & make these bloggers even more famous so I have even more competition. Thanks...

Whoever had the opportunity to do her makeup
daily for the show must of had a lot of fun.
I'm jealous ;o(
Any who, highlighting & contouring is something that is usually done for TV & film. The concept is that you highlight the parts of the face that you want to stick out & then darken or contour the parts that you hate. Contouring can create cheek bones even on Mimi from the Drew Carey Show. For Riz-eals, yo! We mean zero disrespect to the actual person behind this character, by the way. Highlighting can also give the appearance of a perfect nose even if you yourself despise your honker.

Generally speaking most women do in fact bronze themselves. However, please allow me to advocate that most don't put it in the correct spots to really accentuate their features.

If you're a powder diva, you'll want to use a matte bronzer with no sparkle for the absolute best effect. Now, stop bronzing your whole darn cheeks and just put the bronzer right below your actual cheek bone. Then, to make your cheekbone pop, slap on some sparkly vanilla-ish or gold-ish shade to a fluffy brush. Tap off the excess & then go to town right above where you put the darker powder which should be exactly on your cheekbone. This should also be the area where you put your blush.

Need some inspiration?
Read these books!
Can't afford to purchase these in this economy?
There's this fab place that exists...
It's called the "Library".

<<< Now, take a look here <<<  to the fabulousness I call Kevyn Aucoin. You know him as the beauty Lord with that huge beauty bible called "Making Faces" & "Face Forward". If you've never done this before, I'd highly advise you to do it with creams or creamy substances first. Then, when you get the hang of it move onto liquids. Oh yeah, and obviously you'll want to blend in this look to our left with a sponge or MAC's "Don King" Brush #187 Duo Fibre Face Brush available here for $42. Please also notice that the highlight color you choose should be at least 1-2 shades lighter than your actual foundation color & the contour color should be at least 1-2 shades darker. The colors you choose also depend on how chiseled and skeleton-like you're trying to become. Oh, just go ahead and choose black & white. Then get back to me about how stinking long it took you to blend it out! Heh. Heh. Thanks, guys. I'm here all night... trying to look like the Grim Reaper, that is.

This dude even shows you how to highlight your decolletage & cleavage. But I say rock on with your bad self and cue in Gerard Butler because This is Sparta! One can even do these techniques to achieve what I like to call "spray on abs". Furthermore, pass on the note to Gerardy boy that I've got an open page protector reserved just for him in my vertical organization I call my "Binders Full of Men"...



Wednesday, April 24, 2013

You so pretty!

These photos are amazing. 
They make me want to wear less makeup, buy some magazines, spray Opium perfume all over myself, don some leather attire & obtain blue eyes somehow... all at once!

Ms. Nicki Minaj got what one would consider a "make-under" for the April 2013 issue of Elle Magazine.

Photographed by Thomas Whiteside, we think she looks absolutely stellar.

We approve of Nicki not only because she's gorgeous, but also because she's got a beautiful heart. She speaks her mind & does wonders for our freedom of speech rights.

 Just look at Emily Blunt here. 

Where is the nearest YSL counter? Because I want to slather this scent all over my entire body.

She looks so good in these bronzed makeup colors that this print ad ought to be illegal. It is way too suggestive in that I want to spend my entire paycheck on YSL. Did I mention I'm broke?! At least I'll smell fab at the courts when I file for bankruptcy.

Photographed by Patrick Demarchelier

Someone also get back to me if we can pull a John Travolta "Face Off" mission with this chick.

All you lucky gals who were born with baby blues should absolutely get into bronze colored shadows & liners. People will be blown away by how blue your eyes will look.


Tuesday, April 23, 2013

You know you're ghetto fab if...

This post might as well be called another "confessions of a makeup artist" because I'm describing myself to a perfect T. Any who, let's start this countdown... Shall we?

You know you're ghetto fab if...

  • Instead of just having a sandwich bag full of condiments tucked neatly into where you house your eggs, you've got a whole deli meat drawer full like so:
Who needs a whole soy sauce jar, anyway?
  • It takes you months to replace your favorite blush. Just use some lipstick. Done and dunnerer.
Kiss me on my cheeks, please! I beg you!
Other cute clip arts available here.
  • You shop at the Dollar Tree more than once a week. Corporations in China are blossoming due to your insolence. Please also allow me to note that there are awesomely priced cosmetic goodies housed here & you just gotta' go more often since their inventory always changes. This week's beauty must haves: Salon Selectives shampoo & conditioner as well as Sinful Colors nail polishes. They're a dollar! Holler!
    Locate your closest Dollar Tree here
  • At least 1/4 of your closet is from Goodwill or other thrift stores. The same people who call Target "Tar-zhay" also call these items "vintage".

Okay, fine. You got me. I never thought I found myself on 

It's just that I'm so unfamous people never take my picture...

Enjoy your day!

Monday, April 22, 2013

I don't care, I love it

You are at war... with yourself, that is.

The above title of this post pretty much explains it. Why the heck should you care what others think about you? Seriously. I see you over there with your big girl panties on & me thinks you understand the definition of what a hater is.

In case you've got a case of the Mondays (like me), 
please allow me to enlighten your life with some wise words... written obviously not by me on a Monday...

However, one question remains.... why is Icona Pop crashing her car into the bridge? From the sound of it, shouldn't they of just ran over the ex-boyfriend instead?! 

'90's B's for life!


Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Concealer Pen Fun

If you've never tried a concealer pen, you just may want to hop on the bandwagon. Actually, I'll even go as far as saying that you need to try these bad boys at least once in your life.

Here are a few reasons why I love concealer pens:

  • They are portable! Oh, please don't tell me you've never done your makeup in the car...
  • They're small enough to put in almost any type purse you have. No one needs to know that this is my little secret for whatever funkiness may occur with my face throughout the day. Oops. Now everyone knows. Oh well. Secrets like these cannot be contained.
  • They provide coverage. Duh, said the founder & owner at the Department of Redundancy Department.
  • They illuminate to give you a glorious instant eye lift. Most are formulated with light refracting pigments which will lighten even some of your darkest blemishes and under-eye bags.

YSL Touche Eclat Concealer, $40
Available here.

YSL's Touche Eclat has been around for over twenty years. 

Right now YSL is also offering two free samples with any online purchase!

They are also available at Nordstrom if you need to color match yourself.

Maybelline Dream Lumi Concealer, $6.44
Available here.

Maybelline's Dream Lumi concealer is gel based, so it's fairly safe to say that even if you have crow's feet under your eyes, the product won't cake in the wrinkles. 

No old "bag" ladies here!

Target is also offering free shipping via their online site for orders over $50.

Trish McEvoy Correct & Brighten, $40
Available here.

Trish McEvoy's Correct & Brighten concealer pen is also really nice.

It's also oil-free. YAY!

Nordstrom is offering a gift with purchase right now. Who doesn't love that?!

Kids say the cutest stuff

Kids say the darndest things. Am I right or am I right?!

Sure, parents all over this universe think that their kid is the cutest thing since Justin Bieber was birthed. But seriously, mine's the cutest & I will scream it to this earth, the entire galaxy & to infinity and beyond. (Cue in Buzz Lightyear!)

It just so happens that occasionally I watch YouTube. Shocker. I know.

Any who, we were all around the computer & put the original "Girl On Fire" by Alicia Keys video on. Shortly after the chorus, my six year old goes, "Oh no! Quick! This girl is on fire! Somebody grab the water & put her out!" I about died. I laughed so hard that I probably could of gone into cardiac arrest erstwhile peeing my pants.

Now let's move on to a couple days ago...
"Mommy, you know if when I grow up and don't have a lot of money, I'm just going to live in a box. Or a shelter with a tent over it so I don't get wet." Dear God, let's hope not I think to myself.
Me thinks this little one thinks homelessness could be compared to playing camp in a tree house.
"No, honey. You will have money because you're very smart. You've got your whole life in front of you to decide what you'll do for a career & I have no doubt you'll be successful. (Because Mommy's screwed up so much in her life that she won't let you go down those paths... lol.) And if you don't have money, you'll just keep living in our house until you have the money to get your own."

Now, let's move on to last night...
"Mommy, are we friends with China? And does Japan speak Chinese or what?"
I paused to think about how I could answer this fully loaded question. I told him that pretty much the USA is friends with most every country, except North Korea. China speaks Chinese & Japan speaks Japanese. The Koreas speak Korean and so on. Yeah. You try explaining what different dialects are to a six year old. Then also try to explain what a dictator is versus a democracy. It ain't easy. Not to mention it's an awkwardly uncomfortable conversation.
"So, can I go visit North Korea?" Ummm, not if I have anything to do with it.
"OK, well I want to visit Japan instead." Very well, very well indeed.

Give me a moment to just tell you all that it is so sad that at the tender age of six, this kid has to learn that not every country operates like America. I mean, who really wants to tell their children that other countries want to not only kill them, but wipe them off the face of the entire planet? We are so blessed to have food, tolerance, love & respect for one another in this country. Praise the United States! Amen.

Anyway, the next time your kid won't eat his delicious & abundantly provided dinner, just tell him that there are kids starving in third world countries. I grew up hearing this rhetoric & now I tell my own kids that. I'm still alive to talk about it. Maybe with a little extra poundage around the saddlebag area, but oh well. At least I have food to feed not only myself but also my kids. Watching the tube yesterday, I saw North Korean children picking up crumbs from the dirt & putting it in their mouths. It's a seriously sad situation over there. God bless & protect them.

Today is April 10th & I don't know what North Korea has in store for this day or days after. But they did warn embassies to evacuate before this date. So, if I haven't told you lately... I love you guys. And I love my children. Thanks for reading this ridiculousness I call this blog & let's all invest in some gas masks...

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Binders Full Of Men, Men's Health Style

Welcome to the visual feast I call my binders full of men,
Men's Health Magazine edition.
Enjoy. And you're quite welcome!

Insert yourself. Enough said.

Monday, April 1, 2013

Avoiding the raccoon in headlights look

Make Up For Ever Aqua Eyes Liner, $18
In "3L" (Navy)
Available Here.
Navy colored eyeliners are just soo pretty on pretty much  everyone. 

Make Up For Ever Aqua Eyes eyeliner is a great option for if you want to rock that bronzy beach look, sans the "A raccoon just punched me in the face & when he did, he somehow magically became me" look. 

Choose this as your waterproof eyeliner and beach Yoda will tell you that with you, the fab force is. 

Finish off your navy blue eyeliner look with bronzer, a copper-peach cheek, golds on the eyes & nude on the lips. 

Brown eyes- try navy in "3L".

Green eyes- try plum in "4L".

Blue eyes- try bronze in "2L" or "10L".

Furthermore, if you're still convinced that a raccoon will stalk & then become you while swimming, try your eyeliner on just one part- either the top or the bottom of the eye &... voila! 


Still worried about what you look like at the beach? No convincing works on you, ehh? Then allow me to introduce you to the General who will then introduce you to Dos Equis.

Viva the moving eyeliner resistance!

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