Friday, July 13, 2012

How to Appear (More) Skinny

Dieting sucks. Period.

Makeup is visual, so of course leave it up to a makeup artist to show you how to visually appear skinnier.
Disclaimer: I am not a doctor nor am I pretending to be. I’m not some fat guy in a little coat (depending on who you talk to). Some of these suggestions may not be the healthiest. Younger girls, please don’t take me serious. I enjoy humor and some find me funny (again depending on who you talk to).
Watch the Movie Clip...

Here are a few pointers from my makeup artist perspective to help you along your way to perfectness that you'll probably never achieve... why? Because as women we are way too hard on ourselves. Think about it- everywhere we walk there is media telling us to buy their crap from beautiful, gorgeous bombshells who may only take up say 10% of this planet's population. You mean I could look like Adriana Lima if I put this on?! Say it isn't so. Buy it? Done and dunnerer. But, that's not my main point I'm trying to throw down for you to pick up. I was in the grocery store, for example, just yesterday. Walking in to the store, there was this perfectly looking woman who looked like she had it all together in her business suit and perfect hair in curls. Then, on aisle 4 I got a glimpse of what was in her cart... there was wine, water, sugar free candy, a heck of a lot of greens for one person to digest in the next millennium, pure protein bars, a gossip magazine, lip gloss and mascara. What I realized was this woman is way too hard on herself, too. For no apparent reason. I'll even go as far as to say that she probably is having man problems based on what I could see. Once in the bread aisle, she seemed a little sad. Whenever I'm mad at the world you will surely find me buying new lip glosses (simply because they make me happy), mascara (so I can get prettier lashes to flaunt in your general direction and because I love trying to find the next best thing) ..... and hair dye (if I'm depressed about a boy- because I want to change myself so dramatically you'll regret pissing me off, and you won't know I'm stalking you for my hair is different.)

Please feel free to feast your eyes on several different ways to appear skinnier. Straight from the mind of a madwoman I tell ya'.

  1. Contour the crap out of your body, or what I like to call “paint on abs”. Chisel your abs by adding only self tanner or bronzer to your obliques & down the vertical line above your bellybutton. Add some goldish sparkle to highlight your "six pack". Heck, go crazy and put some on your decollete or cleavage, too. Ask any one of my college roommates- it works, wink, wink! Just look above on how to contrast your abs.

  2. Use some preparation H Ointment. (If you haven't read "The Beach Beauty & The Preparation H Beast" post, you can search my blog for it.)
  3. Claim you’ve had a baby. Nobody, and I mean nobody, needs to know exactly when and how long ago you actually delivered. And, if you’ve never had a baby…people that don’t know you too well don’t know the truth. True friends never second guess what you say to strangers… this rings especially true for bars and night clubs. Girl Code 101.
  4. Eat in secret. You have no idea how many of my girlfriends do this… even the ones who live with their significant others.
  5. Drink, until you don’t care. For some it’s a few, for others a few too many. ;o)
  6. Buy a couple “light” or “fat free” items to store in your fridge. Nothing says I’m healthy like some (bland, watered down, tastes like crappy nothing) skim milk. If you can’t stomach it, try Silk’s Very Vanilla Soy Milk. Guys who look in your fridge will surely think you’re a health nut. When was the last time you saw soy milk in a guy’s fridge? Never. If you had, he’s a keeper for the pure fact that he’ll probably be really supportive in your dieting efforts. 
  7. Opt for a Wii. You could get a fit board, the weights, and if all else fails you could play Super Mario Brothers until you’ve realized you’ve missed a meal. Hey, at least you’re moving some fingers around. Then, move onto the Xbox 360 Kinect and you too can burn some calories running around your room just like the cute little tiger you’re pretending to be on TV.
  8. Exfoliate with a scrub, then oil up. Moisturized skin looks more dewy, because it is. We can’t control the weather drying up our skin nor God making our skin cells constantly flake off, only to regenerate again. But we can control the oily luxeness we slap on. Did I mention that light (or shine or luminescence) conceals the look of cellulite?
  9. Post only old photos of yourself to your respective social media outlets. If you're a Photoshop whiz, you're extra lucky because you could superimpose yourself anywhere in the world you want! I once had a photographer friend that took one of my pictures and literally shaved off some of my stomach and readjusted my bellybutton. Surely he's working for Mariah Carey now. He's amazing. Hey, Twitter's got #throwbackthursdays for a reason. Twit pic. Lol, smiley face...
  10. You could also buy some fantastic foody scented bath & body products as opposed to eating them. I love you Demeter and Philosophy!

In the end,
Exercise and/or diet. I hate to say it, but this is the only surefire way to actually get skinnier. And aaaargh…some persistence with some will power sprinkled on top.


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